Miscellany

Been a while since I posted in here. Lots of new things going on. I have two new 2nd cousins this year and a new cousin-in-law. Andre had a baby boy, James, and Renee had a baby girl, Elise. Pierce got married, and I got engaged. Not a bad year for the Ninja Turtles.

This does not mean that we haven't had our share of tragedy, however. Too many people getting sick and dying. The loss of Jeremy's dog. Various annoyances and frustrations and crises and feelings of hopelessness that make life, life.

Tonight, I just want cake. I don't know why. I have been wanting cake and mac n cheese lately. Maybe it's the comfort I crave. Probably. Between all this range of emotions, I just seek stability. It's funny, when I first broke up with K, I wasn't burdened by these emotions (remember kids, I have been engaged before). Then as I grew closer to Jerome, my emotions started opening up. At first I felt bad that I was so devoid of emotion; now I kind of long for those days. I'm tired of having emotional breakdowns and being stressed out. I have chilled out considerably, but I can still be an emotional wreck far too frequently. I don't know why I can't seem to find a happy medium.

Wedding planning is rough. And since this is the second time for me, I am feeling that numb feeling that I was just referring to. It's not that I'm not excited about marrying Jerome--he's a great guy--but it's just hard to get excited about it anymore since the last time left me with such emotional damage.

I'm finding myself searching for the childhood I never had, since I was born old. I am now more well-versed in Internet memes than my students. I am keeping up on new movies and video games and trying to catch up on YouTube videos. I still don't feel cool enough. And I am finding myself drawn to comic books for the first time since I was maybe 10. I tried to get into the X-Men once, but it just didn't happen. Now, however, I have a Marvel app that I find myself spending far too much money on.

And it's not just comic books. I am probably going to ask for TMNT cartoons on DVD for my birthday this year. I have really gone through a craving for the Turtles again. And Mega Man. And other stuff from my kidhood.

Last night, Jeremy showed Jerome and me a video that was supposed to be scary. It didn't affect me at all. I actually kind of miss being scared. Maybe it was too many campy B-movies with K that made me immune. Or maybe it was being a creative writer. I don't know what caused it. I do miss the adrenaline rush of feeling scared though. Not scared for my life, but just creeped out. You know, the kind of crap we used to pull on each other at Halloween.

Which I might actually participate in this year.

All my life I have hated Halloween. Not because I feel any kind of religious antagonism toward it (I think it is an innocent holiday of dress up, regardless of origins), but I just have this incredible aversion to dressing up. I like being taken seriously, and if there is one thing about dressing up, it is that you cannot be taken seriously. Honestly. But I'm trying to not take myself as seriously and to just learn to have fun. We'll see how long that lasts.

Also I'd like to try to write a scary story for Halloween. I don't know. I have papers to grade and should probably quit with these random thoughts. Maybe a bit of Nutella will serve as comfort food enough for tonight.

Summer Vacation!

It is nice to be on summer vacation for a few weeks, though I am teaching a month of summer school closer to the beginning of the fall semester. I've been at my parents' just over a week, though in a way, it seems a lot longer.

Of course I miss Jerome. Once again, I cried at the airport, but I am doing better now, since he talks to me daily.

I played a lot of Pokemon on airplanes, and continued to do so at my parents'. However, I have also been expanding my horizons a bit, and have decided to watch several movies (some on DVD, others in the theater). Jerome and I have plans to do a long-distance date to see X-Men: First Class when it comes out. Also, I watched Saw on DVD just today. I am considering watching A Clockwork Orange today, as well.

Regarding books, I do have several that I would like to read, but my main goal is to finish Brave New World. I started the book several months ago, but I just can't find the time to read it. But then, like 1984, the book takes a while to digest, and hopefully like 1985, I will like it all the more for having taken a while to read it.

Gaming! As I've said, I have been playing a lot of Pokemon, though I'm only to Route 5 in Pokemon Black right now. I think I'm about the same place as Jeremy. Jerome considered buying a DS and a copy of the game so that he could play it with me, but he hasn't done so yet. Also, I've played quite a bit of Puzzle Quest 2 on my iPad. I have been giving serious consideration to starting up my WoW account again, but I'm afraid that if I do that, I won't accomplish any of my other goals.

Such as exercise. The weather has been all over the place this summer, so I have yet to start going on walks. However, I might start that soon. Also, Mom has a Zumba video here at the house that we should probably start using soon. I certainly need to lose some weight.

We are planning a vacation for next month. Hopefully it will be fun. Part of the vacation could include a hike, so that might help me get back into shape. Also, vacations are good for...

Writing material! Obviously, you can see that I am trying to get back in the habit of writing, and perhaps going on a trip would inspire some more creativity. After looking at my resume, I see that I also should really start trying to get things published again and/or attend/present at some conferences. Busy busy!

And on top of this, I have some cooking/baking and craft projects to do. Oh and I'd like to listen to some podcasts and watch PBS. So many things going on.

Got that Bitch a Meme. Bitches Love Memes

There was once a time in the dim, distant past when all you needed to be cool was a Blogger account and a working knowledge of Urban Dictionary. Or, at least that was the case where I attended college. I used to be one of those cool kids that was sorta on top of things. Not sure what happened, exactly, but I think grad school can shoulder some of the blame for me losing my coolness.

Anyway, as implied, times have changed. And for me to once again regain my status, and add to my cred, I have to keep up with these ever-changing times. This is not always easy as I now work many, many hours a week as a college instructor. Well, and the fact that I'm soon to be out of the "cool kid" demographic.

But apparently, my students don't think so. One of my college students suggested I check out Reddit a few weeks back. I'd heard of it, but Reddit was one of those things (along with the geeky/nerdy websites and webcomics that my boyfriend and his brother frequent) that I simply felt I did not have the time for.

Around the same time, Jerome, Jeremy, and I all started looking at Reddit. Not really sure what spawned it, but it has been terrific. I have been sending comics like a boss, laughing at rage faces, and picking up on Internet memes.

Reddit seems to be the place where all the hipsters come to hate on the other hipsters and all claim to not be one. The hipster must be the most elusive creature known to mankind, for s/he cannot admit to being one without simultaneously losing the status. It is the ultimate form of irony, which hipsters nationwide aspire to, but of course they can't because that is so yesterday. Hipsters always have been and always will be hipsters before it was cool. But they won't, either.

So am I a hipster? Absolutely not. Accuse me of being one and I'll send you a rage face with f7u12. But am I regaining my former coolness? Possibly. I have two and a half years left of being a 20-something. Hope to have to creds to prove myself to the disinterested cool kids.

That Awkward Moment When...

...you run into that kid that works at the comic shop... while you are at work... and you work as a college instructor. Yeah, that happened to me today. This guy is used to seeing me in ill-fitting Disturbed shirts and equally ill-fitting shorts, browsing Dungeons and Dragons books, Warhammer miniatures, and Magic: the Gathering cards. He's also seen me at a friend's house for a birthday party. Where I was failing miserably at the Scott Pilgrim video game because I was looking at the wrong character. This guy isn't supposed to see me as a professional English instructor.

But he did. As badly as I wanted to talk about Mortal Kombat and Portal 2 and other various games, I forced myself to talk about end of the semester work stuff and then duck up the stairs to hide in my office. Another crisis narrowly averted: between this and my day of playing Puzzle Quest 2 in my office hour, I am dangerously close to being found out as a nerd by my colleagues.

Office Etiquette

I work as a college instructor. But since I'm fairly new and the school is growing by leaps and bounds, I am currently housed in a cubicle room. Being fairly antisocial, it's not ideal, but I'm just grateful to have a job.

Usually this office sharing isn't much of a problem: I come in, log onto my three email accounts that students may use to contact me, and turn on Stuff You Should Know podcast on my iPod and commence to reading/responding, etc.

But the other day, I literally had no work to do during my office hour time. It was a welcome relief after having been stressed to the brink of emotional breakdown off and on during the past several months. Anticipating that I would have very little to do during this time, I decided to bring my iPad to my office hour.

I have 3G capability on that bad boy, but haven't ordered a data plan yet, as I have unlimited Internet most places. However, I didn't want to waste the school's nets (and we were kinda asked not to anyway), so I decided to play Puzzle Quest 2, which is an app that doesn't require online communications.

Do you realize how difficult it is to pretend to be doing something productive while actually playing a game? First, I plugged in my earbuds so that no game noises would accidentally occur. Then I sat in my chair, facing my computer (while legitimately checking email), with the iPad in my lap. Periodically, I would sae my game's progress to refresh my email pages, but that's about it.

It's not like I would have gotten into trouble. I mean, I had nothing at all to do. I'm not sure if I was hiding my iPad out of game-playing shame, or because I didn't want to have to talk to anyone about it.

ETA: This was a lot funnier when I first had the idea (while iPadding in my office) than it was in writing. Sorry everyone.

Geek Code/Cred

I have finally decided to start messing with my electronics kit. I haven't fooled with electronics for probably 15 years, give or take. I remember when I "dating" Ross that I was very much into electronics, tech stuff, and other geekish activities. This is probably about the time that I had this little cheap breadboard and played with resistors, capacitors, LEDs, etc. I loved using this thing, and I even learned a bit about electronics, but, as with all my other interests, it was short-lived and I soon moved on to something else.

I'm just as flaky with my interests today.

Well, not today as in this very day, but rather today as in, me at age 27. Anyway, today I finally took the notion to get out the electronics kit that I've been lusting after ever since I bought it at Radio Shack some several weeks ago. Yes, I lust after things I already have. It's the purest lust available. Got down the kit and almost gave up. Side note: When I first got it, I started reading the info they give you for before you start, but then I got tired of it. But this time I decided to just review the safety stuff and jump right into the first project, which was to create a blinking LED.

So I followed the rules, installed batteries, turned the sucker on, and, though I was proud to see the LED light up, I wa dismayed that it was not blinking. Took me a few trials and errors to find out that I had the IC upside down. Fixed that and it worked perfectly. Even did the additional modified projects for it. Then I moved on to the second project, titled, "Build a 555 'Black Box' Test Circuit" which worked properly the first time. I'm already picking up on the various capacitors and resistors. Wish I was actually learning how this stuff all worked again, rather than just plugging wires into a breadboard. Sure I learned about it in junior high and high school science classes, but it didn't stay with me as well as some other lessons did.

Anyway, I was wondering if circuitry would count toward my geek cred. I have a long way to go, but I really want to establish myself in the geek world. Jerome said I could probably figure out a way to incorporate it into my geek code, so I looked up the official website. I'm still not sure if I can add electronics into it, but I can probably fit it in there somewhere. In the meantime, I'm going to continue listening to Tech Stuff podcasts, practicing coding, and experimenting with my electronics kit.

On a side note, I also helped Jerome with MLA today. Feels kinda good to be a geek and a nerd in the same day.

Turning Tables...

What? Turntables?!

Man, I wish. If I had a turntable and some vinyl right now, I'd make Alvin and the Chipmunk records like I did back in the day. But alas, 'tis not the topic of mine discussion.

It hasn't been that long since I was in grad school. Maybe... three years since I graduated? Sounds about right. Seems I started teaching Fall 2009, meaning that I graduated Summer 2008, meaning I started Spring 2007. So I guess it was four years since I started, and two and a half since I graduated, give or take. In the grand scheme of things, not all that long since I was a student.

And now I'm a teacher.

Well, a college instructor, to be exact. Feels kind of strange to be on the other side of things. Yet, here I'm finding myself eating pizza and reading PDFs on JSTOR. Feels a lot like grad school. At least this time around, it's more pleasant. This time around I don't have a boyfriend who tries to discourage me from doing my work. This time around my boyfriend encourages me and tried to build me up, rather than tear me down. I still have trust issues, but Jerome treats me very well and is patient and understanding of my insecurities. Obviously it's not all peaches and cream, but it seems to work quite well.

I'm by no means an optimist. Or an optometrist. But I do agree that hindsight is 20/20. Looking back I recognize various behaviors exhibited by Kris that simply were mild forms of abuse. I hope to not use this as a crutch, but to learn from it. To recognize these behaviors for what they were and to move on, understanding that I am, as Jerome has to remind me daily, a special and important person.

It's probably a good thing that I have kept correspondence from Kris. Now that I am distanced from the situation I can see the relationship for what it truly was. Jerome is by no means perfect, but neither am I (though I wish we were). However, we seem to have gotten along rather well this past year.

Anyway, I suppose I should get back to reading my academic essays. They are more enjoyable this time around. Maybe it's because nobody told me to read them. Or maybe it's because no one is telling me not to.

Reminiscery

Yes, I think I just coined a new word. No, I don't care.

So anyway, I was just looking through old blog posts (can I really be on my way to my 6-year blogiversary?!) and I noticed a few things.

My life has gone through some fairly drastic changes in said years.

I know, I know... this is the kind of thing to post on an actual blogiversary, not on a random unassociated day, but eh, at this point, if the muse calls, I need to answer.

Anyway, observation #1: I'm not a whole heck of a lot different now than I was "then."

Translation: I am still interested in noir, neo-noir, certain elements of graphic novel, video games, and similar types of music.

Observation #2: There are alarming similarities between my current boyfriend and my ex.

Translation: They are both into gaming and horror movies and some of the same comedy shows/movies.

Additional Translation: The games they play are wildly different, and they seem to like comedy for different reasons. Also, I actually like my current boyfriend.

Observation #3: Somehow (probably as a result of being with the ex for 3 years or whatever) I have become even more nihilistic, cynical, and jaded.

Translation: I am more conscious and aware of this nihilism, cynicism, and enjadedness that has been growing ever since my first existential crisis emerged at age four.

Observation #4: There was a time when I was actually sorta on top of things, technologically.

Translation: These days, I gotta earn my geek creds. But I keep up with podcasts and nerdy webcoms in addition to the miniscule amounts of gaming I don't have time for.

Observation #5: I was a better writer back then.

Translation: I do my best writing when extremely depressed.

Observation #6: Blogging has become too icon-based and user-friendly for my taste.

Translation: I was just talking to Jerome about this. He prefers WYSIWYG, but I like code. I miss the days when you had to manually format everything. Like typing the word strong in to bold something. I absolutely love code, and HTML is a pretty easy coding system. But I really miss the days when I used to spend hours in front of my old Panasonic computer (I had forgotten the brand etc., but ran across an article on the very one I had here after several months of agonizing on again/off again Google searching. The search terms that found it were "panasonic cpu keyboard 1980s blue keys hook up to cassette player" since that's pretty much all I remembered about it. I don't even know how I remembered that it was Panasonic.) programming various, well, programs in BASIC.

Observation #7: I am more long-winded than I used to be.

Translation: See translation above.

Anniversary!

So today was Jerome and my 1 year dating anniversary. Even though we both had to work, it ended up being a great day. After work, Jerome surprised me with flowers. No, Betty, no ring, but chances are, I will probably have to ask him instead of the other way around. In fact, when we got together last year, it was because I had gone to his parents' house for Easter, and I asked him online later that evening how long he'd liked me, and he answered, then asked me the same question, which I answered. Then he awkwardly asked if I wanted us to "be together... or... something" and acted quite shy and embarrassed. This is why, if all goes well, I would probably have to be the one to propose. We shall see.

After the flowers, we went out to this great pizza place called Mama Mia's. I had Tri-Color cheese tortellini, and he had cheese ravioli, and we shared an appetizer of stuffed green olives and a piece of chocolate cake. He also got me some iTunes cash, and a copy of Pokemon Black.

Speaking of Pokemon, after dinner, Jeremy came by and wanted to play Pokemon, since he has Pokemon White. It was a long and difficult battle, but I came out the victor. Though I had 4 Pokemon in my reserves, they had all been switched out, and were near fainting. Obviously, being a competitive person, I was thrilled to win, but I was also happy to feel included. The fact that my boyfriend's brother feels like a brother to me, should be a good thing. Maybe it is a sign that some day he will be my brother-in-law. Or maybe I'm just being a silly schoolgirl. Who knows. Regardless, it was a perfectly euphoric day, and I'm sad to see it come to a close.

A Lonely Misanthrope

You know, there are just some days when I realize that my misanthropy is a direct result of entropy. Take tonight, for instance. I have been incredibly stressed out due to the fact that there is just too much work to do and that I may as well give up on weekends. However, after a few sips of pineapple rum (not many, mind you, but just enough to calm the nerves), I was feeling good enough to begin grading the papers.

However, a few papers in, Jeremy and Jerome decided to leave to a friend's house. I always worry about them when they go out without me to chaperone because I'm afraid they'll drink too much. Also, I get quite lonely by myself, which is pretty good: a lonely misanthrope.

So speaking of misanthropes, the essays I'm grading are on Johnathan Swift. Side note: I hate that name Johnathan. Never know how to spell it. Not even sure if this spelling is correct. After grading several, I decide to take a break. But before that, I manage to have conversations with three friends. Those went well enough.

I play video games during my break. This is the point at which I become involved in quite the convoluted texting situation involving me, Jerome, and Jeremy, via Jeremy's phone. Then Jerome calls to check on me, and probably because he misses me (I certainly was missing him already by that point). It's hard to play Call of Duty while on the phone, but I managed better than I usually do.

So randomly, my very first boyfriend from when I was 12 starts chatting with me, which is always a good time. Since we were childhood friends, we don't let a little thing like a 7.5 month relationship get in the way of our friendship. It's beautiful, really. He's a gamer too, so we start talking about Call of Duty. Then, Jeremy, who is now intoxicated, starts texting me about Pokemon, blowing that he's gonna beat me at it, as his texts progressively become harder to read and follow. Ross, in the meantime, confesses to me that he is also quite drunk, and Jerome admitted to drinking two beers early in the evening, but is waiting them off so that he can drive home. I'm sure he's fine to drive. Flattered by the two nerdy conversations I'm having with guys, and concurrently depressed by the fact that both these conversations were most likely induced by alcohol, I get up to add more pineapple rum to my glass. Not much, mind you. And come back to see that Ross now has a crescent moon by his chat name, meaning he's probably passed out or something.

Whilst we were still chatting, Ross was talking to me about marriage. Not with him, but with Jerome. He had caught wind of yesterday's April fool joke and took it seriously. Then he started asking if we were going to get married anytime soon. Perhaps I should talk to Jerome about this, as his sister and I were just having a conversation about this earlier. Everyone I talk to seems to think I am going to get married soon, or should. And this has nothing to do with the April fool.

It's rather awkward to talk to your first boyfriend about the possibility to marrying your current boyfriend, even though your first boyfriend is a great guy who will actually listen and communicate, etc. Even if more years have passed since that relationship than you had lived when the relationship began. There's just something about that first love, and I know that I loved Ross. It's even more awkward knowing that Ross is single.

Another interesting side note: On Ross' 27th birthday, I will have been with Jerome for one year.

So here it is, 1:30 in the morning. I need to get back to grading Swift papers. Somewhat ironically, this has been the slowest grading session ever. I'll responsibly sip my pineapple rum and grow more misanthropic and sad as the evening progresses.

What a Wonderful Way to Spend a Saturday

This is great. Here I am, chilling on the loveseat with some Chips Ahoy and a Pepsi Max. My DSi and iPod are well within reach, and I am practicing HTML. Jerome had been messing around with his little media center, but he got discouraged and quit, unfortunately. His brother, Jeremy, is painting miniatures. Probably Warhammer guys, but I'm not sure. Listening to Cage the Elephant, which is completely working for me right now. I'd like to put together another Lego project, but to be honest, I'm having a ball relearning algebra. Who knew I'd become so lame? I do this sort of thing for fun. And lemme tell ya, HTML is rocking my world. Maybe someday I'll be able to write humor again, but right now, I'm in nerd/geek mode. Anyway, if I can ever get the hang of basic HTML, I think I'll move on to JavaScript (which I did mess around with just a little this morning), and then eventually work my way up to C or C++. Not sure which C language I want to go with. I'd need to do some more research first.

Sure, I have essays to grade and stuff to read both for class and for pleasure, but my brain is craving this math/science stuff at the moment, for some reason...

Off topic: Howlin' Wolf just came on my iPod. Blues music is working for me too!

The Madness Continues...

Over the weekend, I completed two fairly crazy construction projects. Well, the construction projects themselves weren't crazy, but my doing of them was. On Saturday evening, I spent an insomniac night putting together a Lego Technic motorcycle project. Then, on Sunday evening, I spent an insomniac night putting together a Lego architecture project. Fallingwater. I think that is the largest, and, arguably, most difficult Lego architecture project. I spent a fair amount of time listening to podcasts about a variety of topics, including spiritual/philosophy, technology, and female difficulties (to put it politely).

Well, since that's over, I am considering reading up on programming again, and perhaps practicing math and science problems. I also have an electronics kit that I just don't feel like working with tonight. I also, of course, have work to do (grading and reading both). If I weren't always so tired, I would try my hand at humor writing again. I guess at least blogging keeps me in the writing mindset. Well, I'm off to do something--just not sure what.

Nerd Alert!

Continuing on with my unbridled nerdiness, I find myself this weekend lounging on the loveseat with my iPod being charged by my laptop, which is, not surprisingly, on my lap as I type this. On the coffee table, you will find Chemistry Workbook for Dummies and Algebra Workbook for Dummies because, yes, I enjoy doing math and science problems for fun in my spare time. That iPod has a paused "Stuff You Should Know" podcast loaded up on it. The topic is how taste works. Speaking of taste, there is also a bag of baked cheddar fries snacks and a Coke Zero on the coffee table, keeping me energized in a low-fat and low-calorie manner.

Also on the coffee table, you would find my DS and my ereader. Brave New World is on the ereader; platformer games are in the DS. There is a deck of Magic cards and four d20 dice, two d10s, one d12 and a counter. There are also some miniatures that we used as Magic creatures last night, but that can double as monsters in Dungeons and Dragons.

I just bought a couple of Lego kits (you can thank Josh and Chuck for this one); the other day I listened to a podcast of how Legos work. This rekindled my love for Legobricks and construction. I just got Fallingwater the other day, and a Technic kit yesterday. Wish I had the time to do all the things I want to do. As you can see, I'm finally just now getting around to blogging, which was another of the things I've been wanting to do for a while. I also have been playing very small amounts of Fallout: New Vegas, and sometimes Mega Man. And then, of course, there are always my iPod apps. Now I just need to learn to program apps. I am glad that I have so many interests, but I wish I had the discipline to pick and choose which things I do which days. And I also wish I had the patience to learn all the things that interest me.

Oh and also, to satisfy some of my nerdy cravings, I still type html codes in manually when I blog.

Too Old for a Quarter-Life Crisis; Too Young for Mid-Life...

Okay, so I'm obviously going through some kind of crisis.

If you read my last post, you would see that I've been thinking quite a bit about high school, the past, and my unrequited love for the sciences.

To make matters worse, I am now listening to a lot of podcasts. It's like I just keep trying to add to my knowledge base, things that won't exactly benefit me in my job. I have the most peculiar hobbies, I suppose. But then, I'm still doing the gaming thing, except... as a gamer, I am reverting to an even younger age, as I seem to have acquired quite a taste again for... Mega Man!

Yes, Mega Man. Anybody remember that game? I just bought the app for my iPod and Mega Man 9 on Xbox Live Arcade.

I'm all about the platformers, for some reason. It's been a while since I was into those type. I'm usually a huge FPS fan, and, don't get me wrong, I still am, but there was something last year that made me want a Nintendo DS, and then to get some Mario games and Kirby. Then, just a couple days ago I remembered Mega Man.

I called my grandmother last night, who is an old-school gamer who can't stand violence but loves those old games she used to play on probably a 286 or 386. It was funny because I reminded her of Mega Man (which, by the way, she introduced me to), and she mentioned a couple of games I had completely forgotten about: Freddy's Rescue Roundup, and Oil's Well.

To make a long story short, I think we're going to get those for her. Maybe next time I'm at her place I can relive a part of my past that has less regret tied to it. In the meantime, I'm going to go make a list of all the places I want to visit and all the skills I want to learn and knowledge I want to gain. And I'm gonna go listen to those podcasts for a head start.

Reminiscing and Regretting

Hmm, I just haven't been feeling as inspired lately. I'm trying to force myself to write, though, so that I don't lose my touch. These days, most of my time is taken up with grown-up stuff: teaching my six classes (and prepping for them and grading papers from them), doing other work-related things, and keeping up with my part of the household-related stuff. I just don't have much to write about, but as I ran across some old stuff I'd written about myself a couple years ago, I figured I should document myself these days so that in a couple more years, I'll remember what I was like at this point in my life.

Well, I went through a brief resurgence in my appreciation of the hard-rock/metal genre, but now I'm turning more into my high school self. Yeah, that's a good way to put it. I feel like the high school me.

Now I'm not sure how good this is, reverting to my 17-year-old self. Life was pretty rough for me 10 years ago. I was making that life-changing decision to change from a chemical engineering career path to one of English education. I was seeing my former dreams shatter in front of my eyes with the revelation that, no matter how much I loved engineering, chemisty, physics, and various maths, I just was not good enough to build a life around it. Also, this was about the time that I was suffering severe panic attacks that impaired my performance at school, further reinforcing my negative self-image. I was depressed because I didn't feel like I belonged in my school and no boys were interested in me. You know, your typical teenage angst.

Anyway, I'm not feeling so much like that, per se, but I am finding myself fascinated by the sciences again. And another similarity to high school is that my musical tastes are changing quite frequently. And I seem to have picked up my vague interest in hockey again. How bizarre.

To deal with this new math and science obsession, I have purchased several books in the Dummies series (involving chemistry, physics, and math) and invested in an electronics kit. I don't have time to use any of these much, but it is comforting to know they're there.

And don't even get me started on the 3-D puzzles.

Things are going well between Jerome and myself. Every day, however, I live with this gnawing regret that I was unable to know him at a younger age. If I could somehow go back in time and change my own history, I would move to where he was raised in 1997. This way, I could still have my experiences with my 6th grade boyfriend (which, aside from the breakup, were remarkably pleasant) but without all the negative stuff that came in 7th grade and after. Now don't get me wrong, not ALL of my high school experiences were bad, but the negatives strongly outweigh the positives. To the extent that given the chance, I'd move in a heartbeat. Anyway, then I could have gone to a teacher's academy AND (more importantly) a science academy.

I honestly think that if Jerome and I had met at a young age, both our lives would have been exponentially better (ha--exponential, get it? math? never mind). We've talked before, and have come to the conclusion that we would probably have been great friends in junior high, and probably would have dated in high school. Heck, since neither of us went to prom in real life, we probably would have gone together. Jerome thinks we probably would have been married and maybe even have children by now.

Regrets.

Makes me even unhappier with my grad school years and the relationship that accompanied it. Makes me hate that I can't go back and change things. I would still be a skeptic and a cynic, but I probably wouldn't be so jaded.

Even one of Jerome's friends from his high school said today that it would have been cool if I had gone to their high school. Made me feel really good. I never felt that accepted at my own schools.

Well, I sure came up with a lot of stuff to say, especially considering I was feeling uninspired earlier.

First Update of 2011

I feel so horrible that I haven't updated in three months! It was a crazy busy semester in the fall, and I just didn't have much free time. This semester will probably be pretty busy, as well, but maybe I can squeeze a blog post in here and there. Hopefully, anyway. Happy 2011!