Been a while since I posted in here. Lots of new things going on. I have two new 2nd cousins this year and a new cousin-in-law. Andre had a baby boy, James, and Renee had a baby girl, Elise. Pierce got married, and I got engaged. Not a bad year for the Ninja Turtles.
This does not mean that we haven't had our share of tragedy, however. Too many people getting sick and dying. The loss of Jeremy's dog. Various annoyances and frustrations and crises and feelings of hopelessness that make life, life.
Tonight, I just want cake. I don't know why. I have been wanting cake and mac n cheese lately. Maybe it's the comfort I crave. Probably. Between all this range of emotions, I just seek stability. It's funny, when I first broke up with K, I wasn't burdened by these emotions (remember kids, I have been engaged before). Then as I grew closer to Jerome, my emotions started opening up. At first I felt bad that I was so devoid of emotion; now I kind of long for those days. I'm tired of having emotional breakdowns and being stressed out. I have chilled out considerably, but I can still be an emotional wreck far too frequently. I don't know why I can't seem to find a happy medium.
Wedding planning is rough. And since this is the second time for me, I am feeling that numb feeling that I was just referring to. It's not that I'm not excited about marrying Jerome--he's a great guy--but it's just hard to get excited about it anymore since the last time left me with such emotional damage.
I'm finding myself searching for the childhood I never had, since I was born old. I am now more well-versed in Internet memes than my students. I am keeping up on new movies and video games and trying to catch up on YouTube videos. I still don't feel cool enough. And I am finding myself drawn to comic books for the first time since I was maybe 10. I tried to get into the X-Men once, but it just didn't happen. Now, however, I have a Marvel app that I find myself spending far too much money on.
And it's not just comic books. I am probably going to ask for TMNT cartoons on DVD for my birthday this year. I have really gone through a craving for the Turtles again. And Mega Man. And other stuff from my kidhood.
Last night, Jeremy showed Jerome and me a video that was supposed to be scary. It didn't affect me at all. I actually kind of miss being scared. Maybe it was too many campy B-movies with K that made me immune. Or maybe it was being a creative writer. I don't know what caused it. I do miss the adrenaline rush of feeling scared though. Not scared for my life, but just creeped out. You know, the kind of crap we used to pull on each other at Halloween.
Which I might actually participate in this year.
All my life I have hated Halloween. Not because I feel any kind of religious antagonism toward it (I think it is an innocent holiday of dress up, regardless of origins), but I just have this incredible aversion to dressing up. I like being taken seriously, and if there is one thing about dressing up, it is that you cannot be taken seriously. Honestly. But I'm trying to not take myself as seriously and to just learn to have fun. We'll see how long that lasts.
Also I'd like to try to write a scary story for Halloween. I don't know. I have papers to grade and should probably quit with these random thoughts. Maybe a bit of Nutella will serve as comfort food enough for tonight.
sax in the subway
10 hours ago