Thursday, February 03, 2011

Reminiscing and Regretting

Hmm, I just haven't been feeling as inspired lately. I'm trying to force myself to write, though, so that I don't lose my touch. These days, most of my time is taken up with grown-up stuff: teaching my six classes (and prepping for them and grading papers from them), doing other work-related things, and keeping up with my part of the household-related stuff. I just don't have much to write about, but as I ran across some old stuff I'd written about myself a couple years ago, I figured I should document myself these days so that in a couple more years, I'll remember what I was like at this point in my life.

Well, I went through a brief resurgence in my appreciation of the hard-rock/metal genre, but now I'm turning more into my high school self. Yeah, that's a good way to put it. I feel like the high school me.

Now I'm not sure how good this is, reverting to my 17-year-old self. Life was pretty rough for me 10 years ago. I was making that life-changing decision to change from a chemical engineering career path to one of English education. I was seeing my former dreams shatter in front of my eyes with the revelation that, no matter how much I loved engineering, chemisty, physics, and various maths, I just was not good enough to build a life around it. Also, this was about the time that I was suffering severe panic attacks that impaired my performance at school, further reinforcing my negative self-image. I was depressed because I didn't feel like I belonged in my school and no boys were interested in me. You know, your typical teenage angst.

Anyway, I'm not feeling so much like that, per se, but I am finding myself fascinated by the sciences again. And another similarity to high school is that my musical tastes are changing quite frequently. And I seem to have picked up my vague interest in hockey again. How bizarre.

To deal with this new math and science obsession, I have purchased several books in the Dummies series (involving chemistry, physics, and math) and invested in an electronics kit. I don't have time to use any of these much, but it is comforting to know they're there.

And don't even get me started on the 3-D puzzles.

Things are going well between Jerome and myself. Every day, however, I live with this gnawing regret that I was unable to know him at a younger age. If I could somehow go back in time and change my own history, I would move to where he was raised in 1997. This way, I could still have my experiences with my 6th grade boyfriend (which, aside from the breakup, were remarkably pleasant) but without all the negative stuff that came in 7th grade and after. Now don't get me wrong, not ALL of my high school experiences were bad, but the negatives strongly outweigh the positives. To the extent that given the chance, I'd move in a heartbeat. Anyway, then I could have gone to a teacher's academy AND (more importantly) a science academy.

I honestly think that if Jerome and I had met at a young age, both our lives would have been exponentially better (ha--exponential, get it? math? never mind). We've talked before, and have come to the conclusion that we would probably have been great friends in junior high, and probably would have dated in high school. Heck, since neither of us went to prom in real life, we probably would have gone together. Jerome thinks we probably would have been married and maybe even have children by now.

Regrets.

Makes me even unhappier with my grad school years and the relationship that accompanied it. Makes me hate that I can't go back and change things. I would still be a skeptic and a cynic, but I probably wouldn't be so jaded.

Even one of Jerome's friends from his high school said today that it would have been cool if I had gone to their high school. Made me feel really good. I never felt that accepted at my own schools.

Well, I sure came up with a lot of stuff to say, especially considering I was feeling uninspired earlier.

1 comment:

BJ Roan said...

I'm glad to see you found something to blog about. I suspect you were an unpolished gem in high school. As they often do, those unobservant teenagers, lost in their me/my world, failed to see the real you. Things have changed. Sparkle away.